I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me
So here I am, two weeks into my second 4th trimester period, trying to sustain another little life on minimal sleep and maximum will power. Doing things a second time has me realizing there were so many things I wish I would've known when I gave birth to Zac. I can't help but look at him and apologize for all the things I didn't know, all the things that I'm able to do differently now with his little brother because I've learned better. That little warrior of mine was sent to me when I literally had no idea what I was doing. He's such a tough one for getting through that time with me.
***Disclaimer. These are all things I've learned about myself and my family and what works best for us. This is not the only way. This is just how we've learned we like to do things. These are some things I wish someone would have told me.
1) Don't take the pitocin. As a matter of fact, wait. Don't get induced. Babies come late all the time. It's not worth it.
I was induced at 41 weeks with Zachary. I knew I wanted a natural birth, despite birthing in a hospital. I had no idea what common hospital procedure really was, but when my due date came and went, my OB scheduled a date for induction. I would be given an IV with pitocin, which would bring on contractions artificially. It all sounded good to me. I was ready to meet my baby. If this was standard hospital procedure and what my doctor was recommending, clearly it must be the best thing for me. I didn't know this at the time, but synthetic oxytocin (pitocin) has been linked to higher risks of postpartum depression and a delay in milk production after birth. Pitocin also makes contractions so strong and intensifies the pain felt that mothers are more likely to ask for an epidural during labor after receiving pitocin. I did not want all these interventions. I stuck it out and labored through 13 hours of intensity before finally meeting my son. By the time he was born, I'd been through so many doses of artificial hormones, that the "aha" moment of birth didn't happen for me. I didn't feel that rush of love for my baby the moment he entered the world. Instead, I was tired and in pain. I had a difficult recovery physically and emotionally and I wish I'd have known the difference of a true natural birth beforehand.
2) Don't start supplementing with formula. Talk to a lactation consultant. Destiny, despite what you'd like to believe about yourself, you CANNOT solve all your problems by pretending they're not there.
It took 5 whole days for my milk to come in. (Thanks, pitocin.) When we were in the hospital, I thought I had the whole breastfeeding thing figured out. I mean, none of the postpartum nurses seemed to have any concerns whenever they'd visit my room and give a consultation on feeding technique. I thought that because breastfeeding was natural, that it would be instinct and come naturally. Babies are just born knowing what to do, right? Turns out, it's a lot of work! Zachary was 2 days old when we brought him home from the hospital. Some serious growing must happen on day 2 because I remember that night, after nursing and nursing and nursing what seemed like 100 times, Zac was still fussing and upset and demanding more. My poor husband and desperate-to-help mother suggested giving him just a small amount of the formula that the hospital sent home with me. (Apparently, some hospitals do this even if you are adamant that you plan to exclusively breastfeed.) So, my sleep-deprived self agreed. It started with one ounce that night. Then the next day it was another 2 ounces so I could take a long nap. Then before I knew it, he was on two full bottles of formula a day because I couldn't keep up with his needs on my own, especially after the stress of returning to work. It took 4 months of intense dedication and starting solid foods early to finally take formula out of his diet. I don't know why it was so important to me that my child have breastmilk for as long as possible. Maybe it's because I've always known how incredible the health benefits are. Maybe it's because I knew that I was capable of providing the very best for him and formula just seemed like settling for "good enough." Whatever it was, if I had just put my stubbornness aside and met with a lactation consultant, I'd have learned that cluster feeding is a normal thing. Not only is it normal, but it actually increases milk supply. If I had just stuck it out on day 2, how differently would things have turned out!
3) If you don't feel comfortable with all those vaccines, you don't have to get them right now. This one took me a while to really accept for myself. This one also makes a lot of people uneasy. I was always the type to do whatever the doctors told me to do without question, regardless of how I felt. Again, if they were recommending something for me, it must be the very best thing. I remember the pit in my stomach when I watched my kid get injected with 4 different shots at just two months old. I remember how sick he got and the uneasiness I felt when it happened again at four months old. I remember reading about just how unregulated the whole industry is and how most parents just take the doctor's word for it and say yes to the injections without wondering about the ingredients or the side effects. I realized I needed to take the time to really determine what I thought was best for my child. So, this time around, I'm giving myself grace for deciding on the timing of each shot individually. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not happening and I'm gonna let myself be okay with that.
4) Babywearing and co-sleeping will change your life. Seriously.
Two weeks with Ryan has taught me that babies just don't like being away from their mamas. And it makes sense when you think about it. They've spent their entire 9 month existence completely attached to you, so why would a baby suddenly be okay with not constantly feeling you next to them? Ryan has made it very clear that he has no intention of sleeping for longer than 20-30 minutes unless he knows I'm close. I learned this on the second night home. I think I just ended up keeping him in my lap and sleeping in a propped up position on our recliner. That's not gonna work forever, so he's in bed next to me for the next few weeks while we very slowly transition him to his crib. A big perk of co-sleeping is that it makes night time feeding super easy! I don't have to get out of bed! And wearing him while we're out and about means I don't have to lug around a heavy car seat. He seems to be much more comfortable and relaxed knowing that mom is near. If I'd have done these things with Zac, I would've been SO much more rested and relaxed.
5) Pray for your husband. Pray for him a lot.
Stephen and I were not ready to be parents when Zac was born. Honestly, I'm not too sure if anyone is really ready to be a parent until it happens. Those first few months after bringing Zachary home were the hardest few months of my life. And looking back, I don't think I ever asked Stephen how he felt about all of it. I mean, I had the most dramatic change, yes. I was the pregnant one. I gave birth. I had to learned how to breastfeed and go through all of these physical changes. I lost all the sleep. But my husband was there too. He had a whole new identity as well. I was struggling to figure out how to be a mother and dealing with all the intense hormone fluctuation as well as physically recovering from birth, but did he know his role in any of it? What is a husband supposed to do when his wife is going through this time? It seemed like there were lots of support options for me, but did he feel like he had somewhere to turn with questions? I never thought to ask. And now that he's been though it once with me, he's so much more supportive and effective this time around. It's the single most helpful aspect of this postpartum period.
6) Do not isolate yourself. Even if you've somehow convinced yourself that you're okay on your own, you're not. Go do "Destiny" things!
I've learned that when things get hard, my immediate reaction is to close myself in and push people away. I tend to want to solve my own problems by myself without letting others know that there even is a problem. I even hide my problems from God, as if even He can't help me. This is in every way contrary to what my extroverted self should be doing. It took me maybe 8 months or so to come out of the shell I had created for myself. I let all the relationships around me crack and fall away, which only furthered my isolation. I became so obsessed and devoted to raising this child that I forgot who I really was outside of motherhood. I resorted to old coping mechanisms like over-shopping and bitterness. It was not my brightest time. Living through that, though, I think Stephen and I are both better prepared for this postpartum period. Yes, it still has it's ups and downs, but being able to discern when you need alone time or "me time" or time with friends is a healthy coping mechanism.
7) God sees you in this moment.
What I've learned thus far is that parenting has been the most humbling experience of my entire life. I've gone before God and given up more times during the last 2 and a half years of motherhood than I ever have before. I've learned that in many areas, I'm not good enough on my own and that's okay. I need Jesus and I need him desperately to walk with me in this journey. I've prayed for patience, strength, perseverance, and gentleness so many more times than I thought I'd ever need to, and you know what? He always meets me there in that moment. Full of grace and full of love.
Hugs,
Destiny
***Disclaimer. These are all things I've learned about myself and my family and what works best for us. This is not the only way. This is just how we've learned we like to do things. These are some things I wish someone would have told me.
1) Don't take the pitocin. As a matter of fact, wait. Don't get induced. Babies come late all the time. It's not worth it.
I was induced at 41 weeks with Zachary. I knew I wanted a natural birth, despite birthing in a hospital. I had no idea what common hospital procedure really was, but when my due date came and went, my OB scheduled a date for induction. I would be given an IV with pitocin, which would bring on contractions artificially. It all sounded good to me. I was ready to meet my baby. If this was standard hospital procedure and what my doctor was recommending, clearly it must be the best thing for me. I didn't know this at the time, but synthetic oxytocin (pitocin) has been linked to higher risks of postpartum depression and a delay in milk production after birth. Pitocin also makes contractions so strong and intensifies the pain felt that mothers are more likely to ask for an epidural during labor after receiving pitocin. I did not want all these interventions. I stuck it out and labored through 13 hours of intensity before finally meeting my son. By the time he was born, I'd been through so many doses of artificial hormones, that the "aha" moment of birth didn't happen for me. I didn't feel that rush of love for my baby the moment he entered the world. Instead, I was tired and in pain. I had a difficult recovery physically and emotionally and I wish I'd have known the difference of a true natural birth beforehand.
2) Don't start supplementing with formula. Talk to a lactation consultant. Destiny, despite what you'd like to believe about yourself, you CANNOT solve all your problems by pretending they're not there.
It took 5 whole days for my milk to come in. (Thanks, pitocin.) When we were in the hospital, I thought I had the whole breastfeeding thing figured out. I mean, none of the postpartum nurses seemed to have any concerns whenever they'd visit my room and give a consultation on feeding technique. I thought that because breastfeeding was natural, that it would be instinct and come naturally. Babies are just born knowing what to do, right? Turns out, it's a lot of work! Zachary was 2 days old when we brought him home from the hospital. Some serious growing must happen on day 2 because I remember that night, after nursing and nursing and nursing what seemed like 100 times, Zac was still fussing and upset and demanding more. My poor husband and desperate-to-help mother suggested giving him just a small amount of the formula that the hospital sent home with me. (Apparently, some hospitals do this even if you are adamant that you plan to exclusively breastfeed.) So, my sleep-deprived self agreed. It started with one ounce that night. Then the next day it was another 2 ounces so I could take a long nap. Then before I knew it, he was on two full bottles of formula a day because I couldn't keep up with his needs on my own, especially after the stress of returning to work. It took 4 months of intense dedication and starting solid foods early to finally take formula out of his diet. I don't know why it was so important to me that my child have breastmilk for as long as possible. Maybe it's because I've always known how incredible the health benefits are. Maybe it's because I knew that I was capable of providing the very best for him and formula just seemed like settling for "good enough." Whatever it was, if I had just put my stubbornness aside and met with a lactation consultant, I'd have learned that cluster feeding is a normal thing. Not only is it normal, but it actually increases milk supply. If I had just stuck it out on day 2, how differently would things have turned out!
3) If you don't feel comfortable with all those vaccines, you don't have to get them right now. This one took me a while to really accept for myself. This one also makes a lot of people uneasy. I was always the type to do whatever the doctors told me to do without question, regardless of how I felt. Again, if they were recommending something for me, it must be the very best thing. I remember the pit in my stomach when I watched my kid get injected with 4 different shots at just two months old. I remember how sick he got and the uneasiness I felt when it happened again at four months old. I remember reading about just how unregulated the whole industry is and how most parents just take the doctor's word for it and say yes to the injections without wondering about the ingredients or the side effects. I realized I needed to take the time to really determine what I thought was best for my child. So, this time around, I'm giving myself grace for deciding on the timing of each shot individually. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not happening and I'm gonna let myself be okay with that.
4) Babywearing and co-sleeping will change your life. Seriously.
Two weeks with Ryan has taught me that babies just don't like being away from their mamas. And it makes sense when you think about it. They've spent their entire 9 month existence completely attached to you, so why would a baby suddenly be okay with not constantly feeling you next to them? Ryan has made it very clear that he has no intention of sleeping for longer than 20-30 minutes unless he knows I'm close. I learned this on the second night home. I think I just ended up keeping him in my lap and sleeping in a propped up position on our recliner. That's not gonna work forever, so he's in bed next to me for the next few weeks while we very slowly transition him to his crib. A big perk of co-sleeping is that it makes night time feeding super easy! I don't have to get out of bed! And wearing him while we're out and about means I don't have to lug around a heavy car seat. He seems to be much more comfortable and relaxed knowing that mom is near. If I'd have done these things with Zac, I would've been SO much more rested and relaxed.
5) Pray for your husband. Pray for him a lot.
Stephen and I were not ready to be parents when Zac was born. Honestly, I'm not too sure if anyone is really ready to be a parent until it happens. Those first few months after bringing Zachary home were the hardest few months of my life. And looking back, I don't think I ever asked Stephen how he felt about all of it. I mean, I had the most dramatic change, yes. I was the pregnant one. I gave birth. I had to learned how to breastfeed and go through all of these physical changes. I lost all the sleep. But my husband was there too. He had a whole new identity as well. I was struggling to figure out how to be a mother and dealing with all the intense hormone fluctuation as well as physically recovering from birth, but did he know his role in any of it? What is a husband supposed to do when his wife is going through this time? It seemed like there were lots of support options for me, but did he feel like he had somewhere to turn with questions? I never thought to ask. And now that he's been though it once with me, he's so much more supportive and effective this time around. It's the single most helpful aspect of this postpartum period.
6) Do not isolate yourself. Even if you've somehow convinced yourself that you're okay on your own, you're not. Go do "Destiny" things!
I've learned that when things get hard, my immediate reaction is to close myself in and push people away. I tend to want to solve my own problems by myself without letting others know that there even is a problem. I even hide my problems from God, as if even He can't help me. This is in every way contrary to what my extroverted self should be doing. It took me maybe 8 months or so to come out of the shell I had created for myself. I let all the relationships around me crack and fall away, which only furthered my isolation. I became so obsessed and devoted to raising this child that I forgot who I really was outside of motherhood. I resorted to old coping mechanisms like over-shopping and bitterness. It was not my brightest time. Living through that, though, I think Stephen and I are both better prepared for this postpartum period. Yes, it still has it's ups and downs, but being able to discern when you need alone time or "me time" or time with friends is a healthy coping mechanism.
7) God sees you in this moment.
What I've learned thus far is that parenting has been the most humbling experience of my entire life. I've gone before God and given up more times during the last 2 and a half years of motherhood than I ever have before. I've learned that in many areas, I'm not good enough on my own and that's okay. I need Jesus and I need him desperately to walk with me in this journey. I've prayed for patience, strength, perseverance, and gentleness so many more times than I thought I'd ever need to, and you know what? He always meets me there in that moment. Full of grace and full of love.
Hugs,
Destiny
Number 7. Remember #7.
ReplyDeleteHave I told you lately how proud I am of you and what an amazing mother, young lady and wife you have become. You'll always be my princess. I love you to the heavens and back again.
ReplyDeleteLove this!
ReplyDelete